UPDATE: Another, mostly reader-produced list over here.
1. Leave after you read.
2. Leave before you read.
3. Come late, leave, come back to read, then leave again.
4. Come late, read, leave.
5. Say you’ve “been reading philosophy books in the back section” to pass time until your turn to read.
6. Then leave.
7. Update your own bio after the host/organizer introduces you.
8. Mention the name(s) of graduate school fellowships you are currently receiving.
9a. Cropdust-fart the venue aisles on your way up to the podium/mic/stage.
10. Deep-throat the foam part of the mic for sound effects, leaving the top of the microphone smelling of your own spit and late-lunch onion-y sandwich for the next readers.
Note: Your list-maker has seen all of these things happen, and will only admit to doing three of them. Which ones? You’ll never know.