This persuasive essay, written by my old student Ashley B, takes its title from a previous post in which I list 33 ridiculous persuasive essay topics. I didn’t really think anyone would take up my offer to write actually write one of these essays, but leave it to Ashley, one of my most creative students, to commit to this meta-genre, satirical form.
We live in a society where most marriages end in divorce. The breakdown of the traditional family and the invasive power of secular values are to blame for this statistic. Luckily, there is a solution. When we seek God’s will, we will find it; when we do as God commands, we will be rewarded. As with any important issue, Scripture has much to say on marriage. After reading what I have to say, I hope that you will see the obvious solution which God has put forth in his Word that I have found: that arranging marriages for young children will combat the secular values which have resulted in the breakdown of the family.
God points to this ideal as early as the first book in the Bible. In Genesis 3:16, God writes, “thou shalt bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” As we all know, English is a highly complex language. The English of the time that this was written is not the same as the English of today. Therefore, through translation error and misinterpretation, it is clear what God is expressing. When it says “thy desire shall be to thy husband,” what God really means to say is “their desire shall be to their husband.” When it says “and he shall rule over thee,” someone who copied the text down simply wrote one letter wrong! It should obviously read “and he shall rule over them,” not “thee.” Thus, the verse comes clear in its true original meaning: “thou shalt bring forth children, and their desire shall be to their husband, and he shall rule over them.”
The next verse that God showed me in my quest to find his will was in Leviticus 27:2: “Speak unto the children of Israel and say unto them, ‘When a man shall make a singular vow, the persons shall be for the Lord by thy estimation’.” It often happens that verses in the Old Testament are difficult to understand. This is why I will dissect the verse and explain exactly what it means. Obviously, the verse is directed to children, because it says “speak unto the children.” This means that the message contained in the verse is for a younger audience. The verse next refers to marriage– “when a man shall make a singular vow.” What else can a vow mean other than marriage? The word “singular” before “vow” further reinforces this, as one is considered “Single” until they marry. Next, the verse says that for children to marry will please God. This is evident in the final words, “the persons shall be for the Lord.”
You’re probably thinking that, since Jesus came, the Old Testament doesn’t matter anymore. My next verse comes from the gospels, from Jesus’ own words. (Those are the words that are red in your Bible.) In Luke 20:34 Jesus said, “The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage.” No explanation needs to be made here—Jesus himself just said that children should marry.
Finally, Revelation 19:9 says, “Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb.” A lamb is a baby sheep. Sheep are very similar to goats. Baby goats are sometimes called kids. Kid is another word for child. The implication here is obvious—when a child gets married, everyone is happy.
Our purpose in life is one thing: to make as many people Christian as possible. And I’m not just talking about people who say they’re Christians. I’m talking about real Christians. Our goal is to make as many people possible believe the exact same thing we do. That’s the only way we know that they’re real Christians. Our purpose in having children is to do just that—make sure they are exactly like us and believe all the same things as us. How better to reinforce the idea of making as many Christians as possible than to arrange their marriages when they are five and ensure that they, too, will become Christian baby-making machines? If our daughters are aware when they are five years old of who and when they will marry, they won’t get any progressive, secular ideas in their heads about having their own careers.
This is why we should raise our children into arranged marriages when they are very young, so that they will fulfill our mission for their lives in avoiding having minds of their own and instead being clones of ourselves.
